


THE WORST FUCKING UNDERTALE FANFICTION

by TerribleWriterWithTerribleStories



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Multi, Other, Possible smut, Rating May Change, Reader Insert, Story does not specify that the reader is or isn't Frisk., reader is an asshole
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-07-26 10:39:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7570975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerribleWriterWithTerribleStories/pseuds/TerribleWriterWithTerribleStories
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>WHAT KIND OF IDIOT FALLS INTO A MOUNTAIN HOLE????</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. FUkcing goat mumz

Well, you don’t know how you got here. For some strange reason you decided it would be a FANTASTIC idea to be in proximity of a giant mountain hole that about six or seven people have fallen into. Great job.

Before you knew it, you fell into a small bed of yellow flowers that made your allergies act up. Ignoring your stuffy nose, your attention turned to the sound of a childish voice.

“Howdy!” You turned your head towards the sound, the sight of a smiling flower greeting you. “My name’s Flowey! Flowey the Flower.”

You rolled your eyes at the name. “Wow, great name, ten out of ten, A+.” You said sarcastically. The Flower took on a very miffed look, but quickly replaced it with a friendly smile before you could dwell on it.

Flowey then went on about some monologue about SOULS and friendliness pellets and whatever. You ignored it until the last part.

“Here, try to catch them all!”

Um…no. There was no way in hell you were touching “pellets” from a talking flower. It sounded like some weird sexual act that made you immensely uncomfortable because you don’t fuck flowers.

You stepped to the side and avoided the pellets.

 

Flowey gave you a small smile with the slightest hint of malice.

 

“Hey genius, you’re supposed to CATCH them. Let’s try that again.”

It happened again, and again, until Flowey became more frustrated by each “attempt”.

“Is this a joke?!” He demanded. “Are you braindead? Run. Into. The. Bullets—Friendliness Pellets.”

Once you dodged yet again, a sinister look crawled onto his face, one that certainly didn’t belong on a cute little flower.

“yOu KnOw WhAt’S gOiNg On, DoN’t YoU?” Flowey asked, his voice taking a twisted undertone. I mean, this would actually be pretty terrifying if you didn’t already suspect he was already some kind of offender.

Before you could answer and state that you just simply didn’t want to engage in what you thought would be sexual intercourse with a flower (which was actually him trying to murder you), he cut you off.

“YoU jUsT wAnTeD tO sEe Me SuFfEr.”

Without any input from you, he surrounded you in the “pellets” with no means of escape.

“DiE.”

Your thoughts at that moment were that it was a shame that you were going to meet your untimely end by being murdered by a flower with a stupid name. It was just undignified. However, before you could think about your regrets (like wasting all of your time on AO3 reading smut and doing nothing of value with your time), a blast of fire hit Flowey, knocking him away.

“What a terrible creature, torturing such a poor, innocent youth.”

You were then greeted by the hottest fucking goat you’ve ever seen.

“Ah, do not be afraid my child.”

Fuck. You’ve known her for about five seconds and you’ve already been friendzoned. Or familyzoned? You don’t even know.


	2. YOU WANT THE GHOST CUM DON'T YOU YOU FILTHY SINNER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GO TO CHURCH

The sexy goat woman introduced herself as Toriel and told you that she was the caretaker of these ruins. And she apparently decided to adopt you, regardless of who you were or your (strangely ambiguous) family background.

Basically you were adopted by a sexy goat MILF. You weren’t sure how you should feel about that. You were still annoyed that there was now a zero percent chance of ever having sex with her and you were now doomed to…friendship.

Toriel taught you various things as you walked through the ruins. That conflicts should be resolved by talking, how to solve puzzles that happened to be everywhere for some reason, and how to be independent (which was actually a terrible idea, seeing as everything here wanted to kill you).

Eventually she told you to stay put because of some kind of errand she had to run. Being impatient, you simply decided to carry on. You had “chats” with the monsters and supported local spiders (they’re terrifying little creatures but damn they made good donuts…even if they had a weird aftertaste).

And then you met Napstablook.

The little ghost was just lying down pathetically, obviously pretending to be fast asleep. You forcefully tried to move him (Which didn’t work because, you know, he’s a FUCKING GHOST, dumbass), only to have him wake up and apologize profusely.

What happened next had to be the most confusing fucking sequence of events to happen. First of all, you were fighting a GHOST. Second, the fight was more like awkwardly dodging said ghost’s lethal tears as you attempted to console him. It probably didn’t help that your idea of “consoling” was to flirt like ghost fucker trash.

“For a ghost you’re pretty DROP DEAD gorgeous.” You flirted with one of the most awkward pick-up lines you have ever used. He didn’t seem to take it well.

“i’d just weigh you down…” He sighed in an utterly depressing way, his negativity spreading to you. Gee, what a downer. But you were DETERMINED to get the delicious ghost dong so you kept up your advances. While, y’know, ignoring the weird wiggly worm tears.

Eventually your awful attempts at flirting (as well as encouragement) seemed to lift the ghost’s spirits (ha) and eventually he stopped attacking you with his tears and…made a hat? He then waited for your opinion on the article of clothing…made of ghost tears.

“Ayyy, I think you’d look better without the hat…or anything for that matter.” You said, making gun shapes with your fingers, sounding vaguely similar to Fonzie.

“o-oh no…” Napstablook whimpered. Clearly it was because you were the sexiest, most talented pick up artist EVER and anyone who says otherwise is a dumb fucking pleb who don’t know shit about nuthin’. That was probably a double negative but who the fuck cares??? Not you!

“i usually come to the RUINS because there’s nobody around…but today I met someone nice…” Napstablook mumbled, shyly turning his head away from you. Or rather his whole body since he’s, like, an oblong shape.

“oh, i’m rambling again…i’ll get out of your way.”

“Whoa, wait, hold on a second.” You protested, waving your arms at the ghost. “I spent ALL that time flirting with you and we’re not even going to fuck? What the hell, man.”

“oh…” Napstablook shifted uncomfortably. “well…you know, you can’t really fuck a ghost…i don’t even have any genitals…I’m literally a floating sheet…sorry.” Napstablook apologized. “and your gender ambigious genitalia would literally go right through me so…yeah. Sorry about that.”

“Unbelieveable.” You groaned, being so done with this situation. “You think you’d know a ghost after spending five whole minutes flirting with him.”

Napstablook mumbled another apology before disappearing with a half-hearted “ooooooo…”

Decided to ignore that you were totally ghostzoned, you carried on with your quest and hopefully get laid.

You fucking furry fucker.

 

 


	3. FUCKING FIRE HOLY SHIT AHHHHH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHAT KIND OF MOM BURNS HER CHILDREN TO DEATH???

After wandering in the ruins for fucking ever you finally reached Toriel’s house. You were less than impressed with the fact that she took so damn long that you had to walk to her house yourself while battling frogs, ghosts, eyeballs, and some weird vegetables that were obsessed with your health for some reason. I mean really, what the fuck.

Regardless of that (and the fact that you had failed to get laid twice), you found Toriel in her yard…it wasn’t really much of a yard, considering that this whole fucking place is made out of purple stone but whatever. The second she saw you, it was an understatement to say that she was at least a little freaked out at the state you were in, she apologized for taking so long to return and patched you up.

“You know…” You licked your lips, gazing at the fucking sexy goat MILF. “There’s…another booboo you can kiss and make better.”

“Oh my.” Toriel frowned. “Those monsters must have beaten you badly…where does it hurt, my child?”

You pointed down to your crotch.

Toriel…wasn’t sure what to think. Or say. She simply stood there frozen for a few moments before nervously laughing.

“M-my, you certainly are an…interesting child.” She coughed, quickly averting her gaze to the front door. “Why don’t we go inside? I baked you a delicious Butterscotch Cinnamon pie!”

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. THE ONLY FUCKING PIE YOU WANTED WAS TO CREAMPIE TORIEL IN HER SWEET PUSSY.

…Though regardless of that the pie was actually pretty delicious.

It went on like this for a few days. Eating pies and talking about snails (which got boring REALLY fast). Also, there was no hot furry sex, which was the last straw for you. So eventually you disregarded Toriel’s feelings.

“How the fuck do I get home.”

Toriel gave you a look of shock.

“Language, my child. Besides, this…is your new home.”

“Okay.” You gave her a flat look. “How the fuck do I exit the RUINS.”

A look of fear and hesitance crossed her face.

“…Excuse me.” Her voice barely escaped her mouth with a quiet, barely noticeable whimper. “I…have something I need to do.”

Where the fuck did she go? You swore to god, if she was going to get ANOTHER fucking book about snail facts you were going to shit yourself out of boredom. That probably isn’t possible but just fucking roll with it, shitbrains.

You figured you should follow her, but first you got the idea to rummage through her sock drawer. Taking a pair of socks (scandalous!) you cheered. Congratulations you fucking pervert. You stole goat mom’s socks for your own depraved desires. Good job.

Okay, back to business. You followed Toriel into the cellar, trailing after her.

Toriel put on a firm face, ignoring the heartache she felt in her chest.

“This…is the exit to the RUINS.” She mumbled. “I am going to destroy it.”

Oh hell fucking no. You were so not dealing with this shit. You may be a person of ambiguous age but that didn’t mean Toriel could tell you what to do! You stood planted firmly in the ground.

“God dammit Toriel, let me through.” You groaned, absolutely sick of her shit.

“ASGORE.” She muttered, being too weary to scold you for being a potty mouth. Stop fucking swearing, asshole. “If you leave the ruins ASGORE will kill you, take your SOUL.”

“Bitch I don’t care.”

“Very well…then show me you can survive.”

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THERE’S FIRE EVERYWHERE OH MY GOD.

Despite being ALMOST FUCKING BURNED TO DEATH BY A PSYCHOTIC GOAT MOTHER you managed to tell her that you refused to fight her.

“I’m a lover not a fighter, baby.”

She was too anguished to dismiss your attempts at flirting, but soon it became apparent that you had no intention of fighting or running away. With a sigh, she extinguished the flames and gave you a weary smile.

“My child…it was wrong to keep you here. The ruins are so small…you wouldn’t enjoy it here…”

“Damn right.” You said smugly. “So, does this mean we can fuck?”

Toriel gave you a look.

“My child, I think it’s best if you leave.”

“But I—“

“Get out, my child.”

You were then gently placed outside the door and into a snowy climate.

Fuck.


	4. BONED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ARE U PREPARED FOR THE BONANING YOU SKELEFUCKER.

It’s too bad that Toriel didn’t give you a jacket because holy fuck it is cold as balls out here. You briefly wondered how the fuck it could possibly snow underground until you realized that you didn’t give a shit.

Walking forward (and not noticing the camera in the bushes), you came upon what seemed to be large, wooden bars…that couldn’t actually keep anyone in or out. It must have been for decoration.

Suddenly, you stopped in your tracks as you felt that you were being watched. A deep voice revealed it’s presence behind you.

“human…” The ominous, yet…strangely sexy voice spoke to you. “don’t you know how to greet a new pal? come and shake my hand…”

You shook his hand, only to find…there was nothing in his hand? Why would you expect anything else? It’s not like you’ve ever met him before…

“heh.” The stranger gave a small chuckle. “i bet you were expecting a whoopee cushion in my hand. well, no sense beating a dead horse, huh? my name’s sans. sans the skeleton.”

Sans like…Comic Sans? It must have been a hard life being named after the shittiest font on the planet. You then wondered if it was possible to fuck a skeleton. I mean, there had to be some bone sensitivity or ghost dicks, right? YOU CAN FUCK SKELETONS, RIGHT???

“wow you sure do look sweaty. maybe you ought to…cool down.” Oh my fucking god did that fucking skeleton just make a fucking pun fucking GOD DAMN IT.

“oh by the way, I forgot to mention that my bro’s a human hunting fanatic so…hide behind that conveniently placed and shaped lamp.” He was right, it suspiciously fit perfectly with your gender ambiguous body type. But there was no sense in questioning that so you hid behind the lamp, occasionally peeking out.

“SANS!” A voice sounding like it belonged to Skeletor yelled. “IT’S BEEN EIGHT DAYS AND YOU STILL HAVEN’T RECALIBRATED. YOUR. PUZZLES.”

As they argued you peeked out from behind the lamp to get a glimpse of the other skeleton. Holy fuck you wanted to fuck both of them. You still didn’t know if it was possible to fuck skeletons, but fuck it, this was a smut fanfiction so anything is possible!

You sick fucking necrophiliac.

Eventually Papyrus got so fed up with Sans’ shitty puns so that he went back (or fled, rather) to his post. Then Sans called out to you.

“well, you better get going. if my brother catches you…you’ll have to listen to more of my hilarious jokes.” Right, the fucking shit puns. God, Sans was an asshole. He never stopped fucking smiling, he made shitty puns and…you wanted to fuck him. You literally wanted to hate fuck sans because you’re skeleton fucking trash.

Sans requested that you play along with Papyrus’ “capturing a human” thing to cheer him up. You figured it couldn’t hurt, and it might bring you closer to fucking two hot skeletons so why not?

So you went on your quest. You met a snowman (which you couldn’t fuck because he would give you frostbite on your genitals), Snowdrake (AKA SANS 2.0) and fucking…Jerry. You didn’t think it was possible, but there was actually a monster you DIDN’T want to fuck! Besides, Jerry would probably bitch on about there being no Wi-Fi during sex. What a fucking prick.

And some steps later…you saw Sans and Papyrus. Papyrus was REALLY FUCKING HYPED to see an actual human being. Well, he didn’t quite see you at first. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t even have eyeballs.

“OH MY GOD!!!!” Papyrus practically screamed with glee. “SANS IS THAT…A HUMAN?”

It was a fucking rock.

“nope that’s a rock…but hey, what’s that behind the rock?”

“…OH MY GOD!!!!!”

You gave Papyrus a wave before stepping out from behind the rock. “So, you feeling bonely? Because I know a place we can BONE.”

Sans gave you a sharp look.

Papyrus just looked anguished.

“WHY, HUMAN. WHY ARE YOU PLAGUING MY LIFE WITH HORRIBLE PUNS. SANS THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.”

“what did i even do pap”

“EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS YOUR FAULT. BUT NO MATTER, HUMAN. YOU MAY REDEEM YOURSELF…BY MAKING A PERILOUS JOURNEY THROUGH CLEVERLY CRAFTED PUZZLES AND DELICIOUS, FINELY COOKED SPAGETTI WELL PREPARED BY MASTER CHEF, THE GREAT PAPYRUS. AFTERWARDS I WILL CAPTURE YOU AND PRESENT YOU TO UNDYNE.”

Oh hell yeah, he could capture you anytime.

“It’s a motherfucking deal.” You grinned, agreeing to his terms. You were SO getting boned.

…You were not getting boned.

Puzzles. Oh my fucking god there were so many fucking puzzles. All of them were terrible. And the spaghetti…dear lord. The skeleton sex after this shit better be worth it, you thought to yourself. But it seemed to make Papyrus happy so, whatever. This had to be the longest (and only) foreplay you’ve ever participated in.

Eventually after some weird shenanigans involving dogs (you wondered if fucking sentient dogs would count as bestiality or not, but eventually you decided not to even bother with fucking dogs so I wouldn’t have to tag this story with bestiality), you came upon a rickety bridge. Papyrus seemed to be on the other side of the bridge, with some kind of switch. He claimed that this was the “Gauntlet of Terror” and it would be the greatest challenge you would face yet and…

HOLY FUCKING SHIT HE WAS RIGHT. THERE WAS SHARP SHIT AND FIRE AND OH MY FUCKING GOD A FUCKING DOG HOLY SHIT YOU WERE GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN WITHOUT A DELICIOUS COCK IN YOUR ASS WHICH WAS THE WORST FUCKING WAY TO DIE!!!

You probably would have shit yourself if you didn’t realize that he completely and utterly failed to activate it.

“WELL—“ Papyrus tried to avoid any sign that indicated that he had made a miscalculation. “I DECIDED THAT…THIS PUZZLE IS TOO EASY TO DEFEAT THE HUMAN WITH. I AM A SKELETON WITH STANDARDS YOU KNOW. SO THE GREAT PAPYRUS HAS OFFICIALLY DECIDED THAT THIS PUZZLE IS…OBSOLETE.”

Oh thank god.

He withdrew the trap and just…disappeared to the right. Again. You wonder what he could be doing now and when you were going to boink but Sans pulled you aside, apparently wanting to tell you something.

“hey, thanks for doing this for papyrus. he’s having a great time.” He said sincerely, genuinely happy that his brother seemed to be having fun. “but buddy, just so you know…”

 

“if you fuck my brother…you’re gonna have a bad time.”


	5. Skull crossbones square square opaque square Scorpio Pisces diamond diamond Cancer Sagittarius Scorpio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> flag Aquarius sun Scorpio Leo Leo Scorpio Virgo Cancer closed mailbox. thin diamond diamond Scorpio Scorpio tall diamond small diamond large diamond sphere sphere Scorpio cube Virgo Aquarius Pisces circle libra open mailbox open mailbox open mailbox
> 
> SKULL WITH CROSSBONES FLAG FLAG SKULL WITH CROSSBONES LEFT FINGER HAND DROP OF WATER DROP OF WATER PEACE SIGN RIGHT FINGER LEFT FINGER OPEN MAILBOX.

Ignoring how Sans just went from a wacky punster to the scariest fucking skeleton on the planet, you carried on and entered the town of Snowdin (whoever named this town was going to have shit in their breakfast cereal tomorrow. It was probably that fuckface Sans).

Unfortunately nobody in this town wanted to fuck you. You had even stopped at Grillby’s to ask the man made out of fire to take you from behind his bar. He was less than amused.

“How would that even work.” Grillby asked, crackling like a warm, cozy fireplace. “Fucking you would char you from the inside out until you are literally a husk of burnt flesh and ashes. That’s not very attractive.”

“Yeah well fuck you Grillby.” You said, flipping him off for good measure. Who the fuck wants to fuck fire anyway? Not you. You left the shitty restaurant that probably didn’t serve anything besides burgers and fries. Did those fucks even have any mustard? It was just ketchup. Everywhere.

As you left the restaurant, you noticed that Snowdin looked shittier than it usually did. You could see black pixels, the word “error” in awful fucking font, and a black void engulfing the entire town. You figured you would just ignore this shit because there weren’t any cocks or pussies involved but the void took you like a black hole, sucking you into the abyss.

What the fuck. What the shit was hand diamond Scorpio Scorpio upside-down letter square big diamond closed mailbox diamond Pisces cube open mailbox supposed to mean?

“Okay I can’t understand what the fuck you’re saying in that godawful font and this is going to make dirty talk really fucking awkward.” You pointed out. “But if you still want to fuck I’m totally up for some kinky glitch tentacles.

“I take it that all those random symbols mean yes?”

As soon as Gaster said that, several black tentacles appeared from the abyss.

Oh fuck yeah.

This was going to be the best sex EVER.

As a tentacle crept closer to your face, you could feel yourself become more and more aroused by the minute. You opened your mouth, ready to take the tentadick with eagerness…

Well, until it plunged into your brain and tore your skull apart, making pieces of your head litter the abyss that W.D Gaster seemed to inhabit. Shit. This shirt was brand new, too! Fuck you Gaster.

GAME OVER

Blah blah stay determined I don’t give a fuck

>Continue                      Restart

What the fuck just happened? Oh right, Gaster (literally) fucked your brains out and you respawned at a save point. Well, your loins won’t satisfy themselves. Time to get moving! You marched on, moving to the right, because everything is to the right for some reason?? Whatever.

Your vision slowly became clouded by an over-abundance of snowflakes in the reigon, making it pretty fucking hard to see shit. But through the flakes you could make out Papyrus’ form.

“HUMAN…” Papyrus began, seeming hesitant. “YOU COULD NOT IMAGINE THE JOY ONE AS GREAT AS I COULD FEEL, MEETING SOMEONE WHO LOVES PUZZLES AS MUCH AS I DO, HAS FINE TASTE IN CUSINE…BUT CLEARLY, YOU ARE LACKING SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE…A FRIEND. I, PAPYRUS PITY YOU AND THEREFORE I WILL BE YOUR…”

Papyrus seemed to cut himself off, having an inner conflict with himself.

“NO, THIS…THIS IS WRONG. AS MUCH AS YOU ADMIRE ME, I CANNOT BE YOUR FRIEND. YOU ARE A HUMAN AND I MUST CAPTURE YOU! I MUST DEFEAT YOU IN ORDER…IN ORDER TO BE THE NEWEST MEMBER OF THE ROYAL GUARD!”

 

Papyrus blocked the way.

 


	6. brb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans needs to tell you something very important.

A skeleton sits down in an armchair, making himself comfy. He looks at you with the inevitable smile.

“hey,” He spoke. “i guess you were expecting the next chapter, huh? Well sorry to tell you this, but…this fanfiction is on a week long hiatus. the writer’s going on vacation.”

Sans quietly hummed to himself.

“so you’ll have to sin somewhere else. not that it’ll be hard for you. there’s plenty of ooc smut to go around on this website.” He explained, lounging in the chair as he picked up a joke book.

“by the way…don’t hold your breath on fucking me. You can’t fuck a skeleton. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. But if that’s the case…”

“…y o u ‘ r e  k i n d  o f  a  f r e a k,  a r e n ' t  y o u?”

“…whatever.”

“stay tuned for more, i guess.”

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	7. Sating Dtart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> had to change the rating because this chapter is pretty EXPLICIT.

Right, so where did we leave off again? Oh right, Papyrus was blocking the way, preventing you from approaching the majestic land of Waterfall and—

Your thought process was cut off by a fucking bone hitting you in the face. Apparently Papyrus’ attacks were bones. Just bones. This really wasn’t what you had in mind when you wanted him to bone you. But because you were the ultimate fucking pick-up line genius you threw a line on him.

“Hey Papyrus, I can think of other things to do with bones than throw them…if you know what I mean.” You flirted, awaiting the skeleton’s reaction.

“OTHER THINGS…HM…OH, OF COURSE! YOU MUST WANT ONE OF MY PRESENT BONES.” Papyrus yelled, a big smile on his face. “WELL—“

“God dammit Papyrus I want YOUR bone. I’m sexually attracted to you and I want to defile your skeleton body.” You explained with a groan, but you were starting to suspect that Papyrus didn’t know what sex was. That poor, naïve skeleton. But it was okay because you were TOTALLY going to get laid and give Papyrus a little sex education in the process. “In fact…why don’t I show you what I mean?”

You grabbed a nearby bone.

You stripped any clothing restricting access to your nether regions.

You FUCKING SHOVED THE BONE INTO (INSERT ORIFICE OF CHOICE HERE) IN THE MOST SEXUAL AND DISGUSTING WAY POSSIBLE OH MY FUCKING GOD. YOU FUCKING SINNER, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF. NOT TO MENTION IT FUCKING BURNED BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T USE ANY LUBE YOU IDIOT.

“HUMAN? HUMAN?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT BONE? OH MY GOD!!! I’M NOT SURE WHAT YOU ARE DOING BUT IT SEEMS LIKE THAT IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU SHOULD DO WITH A BONE.” Papyrus protested, utterly clueless as to what depraved things you were doing with his weapon of choice.

Eventually you climaxed, dirtying the bone. Well, I hope you’re fucking happy with yourself because that performance just left Papyrus confused and Sans was probably going to slit your throat later. Good job.

“WAS THAT A NORMAL THING HUMANS DO???” Papyrus asked no one in particular. “MAYBE UNDYNE WILL KNOW. BUT HUMAN, DESPITE YOUR APPARENT ATTRACTION TOWARDS ME, I MUST CAPTURE YOU.”

“But Papyrus—“ You began. “You’ve already captured my heart.”

“OH NO!!!” Papyrus cringed. “I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE FEELINGS OF LOVE AND ADMIRATION BLOSSOMING FORTH…HUMAN, I’M AT A LOSS AS TO WHAT I SHOULD DO. PERHAPS…I MUST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS, HUMAN. I MUST BE…NOT ONLY YOUR FRIEND, BUT YOUR DATE. EVEN THOUGH YOU DO NOT MEET MOST OF MY INCREDIBLY HIGH STANDARDS, I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS AM A GOOD PERSON! AND BY PERSON, I MEAN SKELETON.”

Oh fuck yes! You were SO getting in the bone zone. You were totally getting the ghost skeleton dong…that’s how it works, right? I mean, skeletons can summon magic dicks right? Everything you read on Tumblr.com told you so. I mean, a website full of people who want to fuck skeletons and robots had to be scientifically accurate.

Eventually Papyrus took you to his house for…the date. But you didn’t mind, it was a great place to have mindblowing skeleton sex. Eventually he led you to his bedroom, where the date could officially start.

“THIS IS MY BED.” Papyrus explained. “IT IS A RACECAR BED. UNFORTUNATELY SINCE THERE IS NO DMV TO GET A LICENSE UNDERGROUND AND NO ROADS, I CANNOT HAVE A REAL CAR. SO I CRUISE…WHILE I SNOOZE.”

“Why don’t we sit down on the bed?” You suggested, waggling your eyebrows at him suggestively. “I think that would uh…improve my dating experience.”

“OH OF COURSE. I’M NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT THE RELATION IS BETWEEN BEDS AND DATING, BUT I’M AN EXPERT AT DATING SO THIS WILL TURN OUT GREAT.” Papyrus sat down on the bed. You did the same. 

“Well Papyrus…” You began. “You see, I have a skeleton inside me…and I think I want another one in me.”

“WHAT? OH NO!!! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? NOT TO WORRY, FRIEND!” Papyrus leapt to his feet, posing dramatically. “I WILL SEPARATE YOU AND THIS SKELETON. YOU AND YOUR BONY COMPANION NO LONGER HAVE TO SUFFER FROM THIS AFFLICTION.”

“Wait, Papyrus, don’t—what are you—FUCK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

Several screams later, Papyrus’ room was coated in red liquid and chunks of red meat. He held the skeleton, feeling rather confused.

“HM…THIS WASN’T QUITE THE OUTCOME I WAS EXPECTING.”

GAME OVER

welp. i told you you’d have a bad time.

>Continue?          Restart


	8. Fish Heads, Fish Heads, Roly Poly Fish Heads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I took a fish head to a movie, didn't have to pay to get it in.

t was…It was horrifying. The way you felt Papyrus peel your flesh from your bones, ripping away anything that wasn’t essential for a skeleton. You knew he didn’t mean it, of course. He genuinely believed that you had a problem and wanted to help you…even if it was a pretty fucked up way to help someone.

 

But now you understood. A “bad time”. Sans wasn’t going to give you a bad time. Clearly, he meant something else. But what?

 

…Whatever, fuck that. Now isn’t the time to dwell on shit like that. Right now you had to…deal with the awkward situation with Papyrus.

 

Not wanting a repeat of the previous incident (or ANY incident involving getting fucking mutilated by a cheerful skeleton), you carried on through the date without ANY mention of bones or skeletons. Eventually it became clear that Papyrus had no desire to date or fuck you, because “YOUR PASSION IS TOO STRONG…I SIMPLY CANNOT MATCH YOUR FEELINGS.”

 

Fucking god dammit.

 

Oh well, there’s barely any good smut of Papyrus on AO3 anyway so you probably dodged a bullet there (as thirsty and desperate as you are you fucking cum sponge). However, there was a SHITload of Sans/Reader stories with filthy fucking smut so there had to be a 99.9% chance that this adventure would end in you hatefucking the shit out of Sans. So despite this failure, you could still receive the magic skeledick and fill your androgonous hole.

 

You proceeded to Waterfall, where you were met with the BIGGEST. FUCKING. SHITTIEST. SMUG FUCKING GRIN FROM THAT FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER SANS.

 

“hey.” He called out, that stupid smile never faltering. “you’ve got the look of someone who had their entire skeleton ripped out of their body. i take it you had a really bad time.”

 

“Shut the fuck up Sans. Fuck you and your puns and your shitty font you lazy asshole.” You snapped, utterly sick of Sans’ shit. He just shrugged in response. What a prick.

“you know.” Sans began. “it’s my break right now. we could head out to grillby’s to grab some grub.”

 

Oh my god. Was Sans…asking you out on a date?! It was true, this fanfiction really was a Sans/Reader story! But…

 

FUCK. YOU FORGOT ABOUT THAT ASSHOLE GRILLBY.

 

“I, uh…” You began awkwardly, twiddling your thumbs. “I’m banned from Grillby’s.”

As Grillby put it, you were placed on a lifetime ban for being too inappropriate at the restaurant. “You’re disgusting my customers” He had said. “And this is a family restaurant.”

Come to think about it, you were also banned from the Inn, the Library, and that general store. You supposed your pick-up lines were so powerful that to hide their crystal clear desire from you, they banished you from the premises. That was totally it. Yeah.

Anyway, back to Sans.

 

“welp.” Sans shrugged. “just let me know if you want anything. i’ll put it on my tab.” Sans said before exiting the tunnel to Waterfall, leaving you alone with…a monster child.

 

Of course, you don’t want to fuck Monster Kid because then I would have to add Underage to the tags and I have no desire to write long paragraphs about thirst for an armless dinosaur child.

Anyway, with that out of the way, Monster Kid approached you.

 

“ISN’T UNDYNE SOOOOO COOL?! I HEARD SHE WAS SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE,” Monster Kid gushed. “C’MON, YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS THE CHANCE TO SEE HER FIGHT!” They squealed with glee, running to the right (as always), falling on their face a few times.

 

Ignoring that kid’s over-enthusiastic attitude about a monster who wanted to MURDER you brutally and steal your SOUL, you carried on. Eventually you came upon a grass field, where Undyne stood…with Papyrus?

 

You had to hand it to Papyrus. He really tried hard to convince her not to hunt for you, but…she wasn’t moved in the slightest (you had to admit, stubborn and dangerous women were pretty damn hot). There was nothing stopping her from maiming your ass and hanging it above a fireplace. Eventually Papyrus left, feeling defeated.

 

“Human...” FUCK. FUCKFUCKFUCK SHE NOTICED YOU HOLY SHIT YOU WERE SO FUCKING DEAD THIS WAS IT. YOU HADN’T EVEN GOTTEN LAID YET. “I never miss my prey.” She said with the slightest of chuckles. You could hear the smirk in her voice.

 

Unfortunately for her, she did indeed miss. However, Monster Kid seemed to be impressed that you “managed to get her attention”.

 

But despite that encounter, you carried on. Solving puzzles, fighting weird mermaids, a creepy horseman who REALLY wanted to flex, and some weird guy who was obsessed with cleaning. It was a strange experience.

 

There were, of course, also several occasions where Undyne tried to FUCKING KILL YOU but you managed to get out (mostly) unscathed. After a few of her attempts, Monster Kid finally put the pieces together.

 

“Yo, so…” They began. “Undyne…she told me…’stay away from that human’.” They said, with a sad, weak little laugh. “So we’re enemies now, right? We’re supposed to hate each other.” Yet, it seemed like Monster Kid didn’t have the will to hate you.

 

“Dude, fuck that noise.” You said, ignoring your poor choice of vocabulary. “I’m going to seduce Undyne with the promise of AMAZING sex. She’ll be so impressed by my gender ambiguous genitalia that she’ll have no choice but to fuck me HARD while slapping the shit out of me and calling me names. The only spear I’ll be getting is…um…the point is that we’re totally going to fuck. And you’re also my BFF now.”

 

“Yo…what?” Monster Kid looked at you with confusion. “Is that the thing people do when they have babies? I don’t think you can have babies with Undyne. I mean, she’s WAY too rad to settle down, but I don’t think monsters and humans can have babies. And I don’t think baby making includes hitting people.”

 

“Sure we can.” You replied. “This is a smut fanfiction, I can do whatever the fuck I want, and regardless of if it defies logic.”

Yeah, keep telling yourself that.

Eventually, Monster Kid finally returned home. Probably for the best. Not because Waterfall was a dangerous place to linger in, but because you probably would have told Monster Kid about things they weren’t ready to learn about yet. Did I mention that you’re sick?

Soon you came upon a cave where a soldier in gleaming armor was waiting for your arrival.

 

Shit.


	9. CRAAAAAAAWWWWWWLINGGGG INNNNN MY SCAAAAAAALESSSSS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THESE WOUNDS WILL NEVER HEAAAAAAAAL

You stood before Undyne. The wind was howling, chilling your bones. However, you stayed determined.

“Human…” Undyne began, her voice a low, chilling tone. “Since you made it this far…um…” The warrior visibly struggled, taking out some que cards. “Shit! My speech has to be here somewhere! Anyway uh…SPEECHES ARE FOR NERDS! WHY SHOULD I GIVE YOU A SPEECH…WHEN I FORGOT—I MEAN, DON’T CARE ABOUT IT?”

“NGAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

So you fought. And there were fucking spears EVERYWHERE. You did indeed want to be speared by Undyne (copyright Milkfr0g), but this is NOT what you meant! Unless you had a guro fetish or something. Honestly, by now that wouldn’t surprise me, you sick fuck.

Speaking of being a sick fuck, you noticed that Undyne smelled like fish.

“Yo Undyne,” You began. “I bet SOMETHING ELSE of yours smells like fish.”

I can’t even describe how offended Undyne was at that remark. All I can really say is that you fucked up. Great job.

But her offense was quickly replaced by laughter.

“FLIRTING? YOU THINK I WOULD ACTUALLY FUCK A LOSER LIKE YOU??? HA! I BET YOU EXPECT ME TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE… ‘OH HUMAN, PLEASE RAVISH ME, TOUCH MY SCALES WITH YOUR SOFT FINGERTIPS’. LIKE I’D EVER ASK FOR THAT!”

Ouch. Okay, so maybe she wasn’t into humans but she didn’t have to be such a fucking uppity bitch about it. Fucking rude. She had made her rejection clear by constantly assaulting you with spears and bullets. She was pretty damn serious about this whole “trying to kill you” thing.

Alright, fuck this. You decided that your thirst for Undyne’s fishy juices wasn’t worth getting fucking stabbed a thousand times over. So you ran. And ran. And ran. Until Papyrus called you.

“HUMAN.” Papyrus shouted, as always. He really needed to tone down the capslock. “I WAS JUST THINKING—WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT IF YOU, UNDYNE AND I HUNG OUT SOMETIME? WE COULD COOK YOU A DELICIOUS AND NUTRITIOUS SPAGETTI MEAL.”

“FUCKING GOD DAMMIT SHIT PAPYRUS I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR FUCKING SHENANIGANS RIGHT NOW.” You screamed into the receiver. “I’M GOING TO HAVE A GIGANTIC SPEAR SHOVED UP MY ASS AND THAT’S NOT A METAPHOR FOR A DICK OR DILDO I AM LITERALLY GOING TO BE STABBED IN THE ASS AND DIE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE SKELETON.”

“WHAT WAS THAT HUMAN?” Papyrus asked. “I THINK THAT YOUR SHOUTING HAS TEMPORARILY RENDERED ME DEAF. EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT SEEM TO HAVE ANY EARS. I AM AFTER ALL, A SKELETON. A VERY DEAF SKELETON. I WILL CALL YOU BACK WHEN I CAN HEAR AGAIN.”

Papyrus had finally hung up, leaving you to resume your fleeing from a scary fucking fish lady.

Eventually, you reached a watercooler in Hotland, noticing that Undyne seemed to be struggling to keep up, eventually falling flat on her face. Being a fish, it seemed that this hot climate had dehydrated her. While she had rejected you hard and tried to murder you, you felt as if you should do something.

It was obvious what you had to do. You fixed yourself a cup of water, drinking it’s contents. You approached Undyne and…

You pissed on her face. You fucking pissed on her face you fucking depraved shitbag. I don’t even know what to say. I mean, I guess I’m going to have to add watersports to the tags now because you are the most fucking disgusting person I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. But that’s the real kicker, I don’t even know you! You’re just some thirsty asshole on the internet looking for Undertale porn. I literally know nothing about you except that you want to fuck anything you come into contact with because you’re a god damn fucking pervert.

Ugh. Anyway, Undyne noticed that you pissed on her like the scum you are. She stood up with the most shocked look you have ever witnessed on a sentient being. In fact, she looked like she wanted to fucking kill you. But realizing that she couldn’t survive Hotland’s unforgiving heat, she walked away, leaving you and her dignity behind.

Not that she shouldn’t kill you because you’re disgusting but whatever.

You approached a large building, curious about what could lie within.


	10. 最悪のアニメは何ですか？私は「Sextraクレジット」というタイトルのアニメを見て思い出します。基本的プロットは、いくつかの潅水の先生がアップファック、学校のスタッフがそれに彼を呼び出すことでした。そこで彼は、基本的にすべての女性スタッフとクラス社長レイプと彼の強姦のために英雄を宣言されています。英語ダブチームはそれらが嫌いな人として強姦の先生を描写し、基本的にはシリーズ全体奇妙な、セクシーではないパロディ作ることにしたオリジナルのプロットによってうんざりしました。

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Papyrus suddenly entered the chapter summary.
> 
> "NYEH HEH HEH. THANK YOU, HUMANS, FOR GIVING THIS STORY 100 KUDOS. I AM CURRENTLY IN THE PROCESS OF WRITING MY OWN FANFICTION TITLED 'PAPYRUS THE COOL GUY SKELETON'. PLEASE GIVE THAT ONE THOUSAND KUDOS!!!"
> 
> "its never going to happen pap"
> 
> "WHAT DO YOU KNOW, SANS? YOU SPEND YOUR ENTIRE DAY MAKING BAD PUNS AND SLEEPING! THAT WOULD MAKE FOR TERRIBLE FANFICTION."
> 
> "i dunno i think it'd be pretty good."
> 
> "WELL IT WOULDN'T BE BECAUSE IT DOESN'T STAR THE GREAT PAPYRUS."
> 
> "welp. anyway, give kudos and leave a comment if you like this story. I mean, when you're not fapping to monster porn that is."

You opened the door to find yourself in a darkened…laboratory? The most jarring thing had to be the fact that there was a camera focused on your movement. I mean, that was pretty fucking creepy.

 

But as you walked through the lab, you noted the over-abundance of ramen noodle packets and anime figurines. Great, you thought to yourself. This person is a fucking creepy stalker AND a total weeb. What a terrible combination.

 

You paused as a yellow (dinosaur? Lizard????) had entered from a nearby room, making the lights turn on.

 

“Oh my god!” The Dinosaur spoke, her voice sounding distinctively nerdy but not descriptive to the point where you can’t imagine it as your favorite Undertale fan voice actor. “I’m so sorry! I’m not even dressed—not to mention I haven’t even showered…do I smell bad? Wait I probably shouldn’t ask that, sorry.” She gave a nervous laugh, accompanied by an awkward smile. And you could totally vouch for her smelling bad because she was really sweaty.

 

“Uh, anyway—“ The Dinosaur tried to change the subject. “H-hi! I’m Doctor Alphys.” Where the fuck was this nerd’s PhD? “I’ve been um…’observing’ you ever since you left the ruins.” Okay that was a huge red fucking flag. Observing was just a nicer way of saying watching which was a nicer way of saying was that she was stalking you. Wait. That meant that she witnessed all those times you failed to get laid! FUCK.

 

“I’ve been watching everything! The fights, the friendships…the failed attempts at flirting—not that you’re bad at flirting! You’re quite a catch in my opinion…” Oh my god. “I was going to stop you, but…seeing you on the screen…it has a way of making you root for someone! So I decided that I want to help you!”

 

Okay…you supposed you could put up with this weeaboo’s shenanigans until you got out of the underground and (hopefully) got laid. “Okay…Alphys,” You spoke. “So how are you going to help me?”

 

“Oh, I was going to guide you through Hotland with my vast knowledge of the underground! But first…I was hoping you would watch one of my favorite animes with me!” Oh fuck no, this was not happening. “Best anime: Cory in the House.”

 

“Are you fucking serious?!” You screamed. “I’ve been friendzoned multiple times, been killed in horrifying ways, and now MEMES?! Fucking MEMES?! That’s it, fuck this.”

Hey, where the FUCK do you think you’re going, asshole? This story probably has about 10 more chapters before it’s over! You think you can just walk out whenever you want, like you own this fanfic?

 

You tripped and fell on a figurine with spiky hair. The hair was so spiky and gravity defying and weebish that it pierced you in the gender ambiguous genitalia. Alphys attempted to help you but because she has no actual knowledge of human anatomy she accidently tore you apart until you resembled various pieces of steak. Delicious steak. Did I mention that Alphys is a carnivore?

GAME OVER

 

Fucking rekt, m8.

 

<Continue?                 Restart

 


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